when the stuff u ordered but don’t need online is delivered
I must say this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues.
gina rodriguez and john mulaney went to the same high school and overlapped two years wow
so are you inplying that she may have also attended jake mcnamara’s house party
look at my ridiculous cat
[1920′s gangster voice] every single one’a you’s…… every single one’a you’s is valid…….
THERE. IS. ONLY. ONE. GOOD. GIRL.
Me, when I buy 24 roombas and an amazon alexa
Me: Alexa, unleash the roombas
*24 roombas emerge slowly from under my bed, consuming everything in their path*
your acquaintance from highschool that is elbows deep in a pyramid scheme: #girlboss
physically, yes, i could fight a bird. but emotionally? imagine the toll
Can I get on the plane now please?
NO ITS DELAYED 9 HOURS
Okay
…
Any updates?
YEAH WE TOOK OFF WHILE YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM. BECAUSE WE HATE YOU. NOW TAKE THIS MEAL VOUCHER THAT DOESNT WORK- GO- FETCH!
Okay
…
Can I have a sandwich please?
NO
Okay
YOURE A LITTLE FAT GIRL ARENT YOU?
Noo
SAY IT
I’m a little fat girl
…
Can I please go home on an airplane?
NO, IN FACT, WERE GONNA FRAME YOU FOR MURDER, AND YOURE GONNA GO TO JAIL FOR 30 YEARS
Why are you doing this?
🎶BECAUSE WERE DELTA AIRLINES, AND LIFE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE🎶
…
Lets see if southwest has any flights
6 am and this tweet just made me laugh so hard i choked on my coffee and started sobbing